Parenting the Independent Years: Developmental Tips for Parents

When teens start to drive and rapidly approach adulthood, parents can feel out of sorts with a mix of emotions and concerns. It frequently feels like the little kids who needed them almost constantly before are suddenly gone all the time and way more independent. The reality of teens and their growing independence is something that Laura Politte, MD, a psychiatry consultant for WakeMed Mental Health & Well-Being, and mother of three kids, says families can prepare for long before their kids are behind the wheel or moving out of the house.

“Believe it or not, teen independence doesn’t just happen all at once, but it can feel that way if parents don’t think ahead, mentally prep, build trust and embrace the big milestones,” shares Dr. Politte. “The best thing parents can do is to support a child’s growth as independently minded individuals while clearly showing them that they still have their parents as a home base – reassure them that they can always come back to you for guidance or just to be in a safe space.”

Dr. Politte says kids discover the idea of more freedom and independence as early as the toddler years. 

“When they first start to walk away from you, they usually don’t go too far and tend to come back quickly seeking safety, but over time they go a little further,” she explains. “They want to know you are there, but they also want to explore their independence.” 

Dr. Politte explains that growing independence is a natural, developmental process for kids that evolves over time and is best supported by allowing children to try, struggle a little, and try again. 

“For parents of teens, it may be helpful to try to remember those years when their kids started to wander away, began to express their independence with the word ‘No,’ and tested their abilities by insisting on doing things themselves,” notes Dr. Politte. “You basically see that repeat through childhood and is a healthy part of the teen years – venturing further and further away from home; gaining more independence.”

“Regardless of age, children need a secure place to come back to again and again. It just looks different when they are older. They’ll be gone for longer stretches, and they’re likely further away and completely out of sight, but you are still very important to them so maintain your core connection and stay available to be their trusted person – from near or far.” 

Dr. Politte warns that sometimes parents get their feelings hurt as their teens gain independence, and she says it’s important to check in with yourself and explore the positive aspects of your evolving role. 

Some big changes are going on as kids transition between childhood and adulthood. To understand more about the physical, cognitive, social and emotional changes of adolescence (ages 10 to 18), visit healthychildren.org.

SMART STRATEGIES 

Dr. Politte recommends the following tips to help parents navigate the teen years long before their kids are driving. 

1. Remember, teenage brains are not fully developed until their mid-20s.
2. Know and accept that they are going to make mistakes.
3. Reassure them that they can come to you with problems.
4. Support them in times of trouble; help them find a path forward.
5. Establish realistic expectations for checking in; build mutual respect.
6. Help them build awareness of you as a person (not just their parent).
7. Keep two-way lines of communication open; be a listener.
8. Allow more decision-making, but don't leave them totally alone to their own devices.
9. Give teens space – realize that too much parent contact can feel overbearing.
10. Accept that teens naturally want to spend more time with their peers.

"Allowing teens to practice more independent decision-making and make some mistakes is all part of helping them build skills to manage life when they are truly on their own,” explains Dr. Politte. “Just be mindful of what your kid is ready for, which isn’t always what their best friend is ready for, and be sure to build in accountability with additional freedoms.”  Dr. Politte says it’s important to consider different aspects of a teen’s personality when making big independence-related decisions. She recommends taking into account how impulsive they are, if they are doing well academically, and if they are making good decisions with their bodies. You know your child, so address concerns when they exist and ease into new scenarios with clear expectations.

Parents naturally want their kids to be safe and successful, but it’s important to let them be human and explore interests that may not align with your ambitions for them. 

“It’s a delicate balance of letting them do their own thing while keeping some rules in place for their well-being,” notes Dr. Politte. “Just make sure they know that boundaries are put in place out of love; present them in a manner of mutual respect."