Back-to-School Bliss: Parenting Hacks for Nurturing Happy Minds and Bright Futures!

Medically reviewed by Laura Politte, MD

It's back-to-school time, and what parent does not want a happy, well-adjusted, high-achieving child? To help your child succeed in school, there are several important tips to keep in mind. Parents can start by showing interest in what they are learning by discussing their day and helping with projects. It's also important to support good eating and sleeping habits, as healthy kids do better in school. Celebrate their achievements, no matter how small, to boost their confidence. Being involved and supportive can help a child enjoy learning and do well in school. 

So, what does it mean to be supportive? We sat down with child and adolescent psychiatrist Laura Politte, MD, to learn more about how parents can set their child up for a wonderful year of school!

How can parents express interest in their child's education?

Parents need to do a bit of sleuthing to discover what gets their child excited. Finding out the child's interest makes education an adventure. Parents can ask meaningful questions that invite longer answers to launch the process. A lot of times as parents we default to, "How was your day? How did you do?" Then we get the "fine" answer that quickly closes and ends the conversation.

Here are better questions that stimulate conversation: 

• What were your highlights and what were your challenges today?
• What was the best thing that happened to you today?
• What were you most proud of?
• What was the hardest thing you had to do? 

If parents really want to dig into their interests, maybe consider these to foster more engagement: 

• What was the most exciting thing you learned about today?
• What were you most passionate about today?

These kinds of questions may result in more involved answers to start a broader conversation than asking close-ended questions that end in "yes" or "no." Once parents have identified those interests, they can develop a plan to nurture them. Sports may be the way to go for children who show athletic talent. For non-athletes, parents can seek other extracurricular hobbies the child can join. Activities outside of school can be added in addition to in-school activities when a child shows considerable interest and a desire to grow a particular skill. Parents can also encourage their child's interest by getting involved themselves by serving as coaches, donating snacks or helping to organize get togethers.

How do parents encourage hard work?

Most kids feel a lot of pressure to succeed academically — either internally — because they're motivated or driven by their own desire to succeed or — externally — because of the culture of the school environment. Parents shouldn't go out of their way to apply extra pressure. They should consider themselves more of a cheerleader and supporter. 

That said, some kids need a little bit more of a nudge than others. Realize, though, that kids do well when they can, so parents must keep in mind potential reasons why a child may seem uninterested. 

Perhaps the child is struggling with lagging skills:

• Organizing
• Managing time
• Determining where to start
• Navigating learning differences
• Monitoring personal progress
• Completing the scope of work

Parents can assist children in understanding how to organize and approach work. An agenda book can help capture what is involved in daily tasks and large projects. Agendas are a great way to lay out what needs to be done, where to start and how to set meaningful goals. Goals related to schoolwork need to be specific and attainable. For example, it may be overwhelming to see on the agenda "essay due in one week." That's a big task. 

Parents can help break it down, instead, into five steps over five days. Here is an example:

Step 1: Select a topic. 

Step 2: Outline five paragraphs. 

Step 3: Add two details to each paragraph in the outline.

Step 4: Write a draft.

Step 5: Revise and proofread. 

Parents must allow their children to set daily goals, rather than completing this process for them because children have different abilities and, ultimately, different goals for their future. The child's vision for the future is what parents must have at the forefront, while encouraging children to find a balance between work and play.

Teens with rigorous academic schedules often experience extreme intensity to succeed, so parents must help them balance work with downtime. High achieving children will perform better at school if they're not feeling overtaxed and overwhelmed. Likewise, parents can help children with more down-to-earth goals balance free time with effort in their skill-based goals. 

How can parents help children maintain healthy friendships?

Most people form lasting friendships around shared interests and talents, so parents can help children foster healthy friendships by finding ways for them to engage in their favorite activities. Positive social environments are nurtured through school clubs, sports, band, orchestra, art and other shared activities, giving kids a natural way to meet each other and connect around shared interests.

Parents can help children form long-lasting friendships by hosting play dates and meet ups outside of school. 

Parents should also be wary of online-only friendships and help kids find balance. Real-world, real-life friendships help kids truly get to know each other and not be misled by predators online who may misrepresent themselves. 

Fo older adolescents and teens, parents should ask who they're spending time with as a way to get to know the friendship group. Curiosity can open the door to helpful conversations that encourage children to spend time with those who will influence them for good. 

How do parents help a socially challenged child make friends? 

A lot of shy kids have some degree of social anxiety. They're fearful about how they're going to be perceived by others. They worry about being embarrassed or saying something wrong. They can, as a result, find it comforting to avoid social situations, but unfortunately that fuels the anxiety and makes it harder to make connections with others. 

Parents in this scenario, should encourage shy children to keep practicing.

• Encourage them to approach other children for friendship.
• Encourage them to accept party invitations.
• Ensure social interactions are in low-stimulation environments to avoid driving up anxiety.
• Match activities to the child's temperament.
• Enroll shy children in extracurricular activities they find enjoyable.
• Schedule one-to-one playdates.
• Come up with an activity for time with friends, so the shy child knows what will happen during the social engagement and will also have the parent available to model friendly behaviors.

Recognize, also, that it's okay if a child has a few close friends. If the child is happy and those are meaningful friendships, it is no problem that the child is not the life of the party and does not want to hang out with lots of people at the same time.

As for neurodivergent and extremely introverted children, it's important to recognize that social interest exists on a spectrum — just like every other behavior. Some people are very extroverted and interested in lots of social interactions. Other people prefer a lot of alone time. That doesn't necessarily mean that they are lonely. They may feel content to have a limited amount of social interaction. 

That in mind, parents should figure out how much, if any, distress they're children are in from being alone.  

• Are they saying they're lonely?
• Did they experience a sudden loss of friendships after a season of strong friendship?
• Do they look sad?
• Do they complain that they don't have any friends or that nobody likes them?
• Do they lack friends because they're not reading social information very well?
• Are they misinterpreting what people mean and what they say?

If they are content to spend more time alone, there may not be a problem. 

On the other hand, if they struggle to connect with peers, this could be a sign of a bigger problem, such as autism spectrum disorder. 

Then, if this isolation from others is a deviation from their normal behavior, it could be a sign of mental health conditions, such as depression or even bullying. It can be helpful to determine what that normal pattern looks like and if this isolation is veering away from their usual baseline.

When should a parent seek outside social skills support?

If a child is struggling to make age-appropriate, balanced friendships with at least one other child, it could be worthwhile to seek help from the family primary care provider or pediatrician. 

Here are questions to consider if this is worth bringing up with a medical provider:

• Does the child lack the company, exchange of ideas and play time with at least one other child in a way that feels balanced — with give and take instead of one-sided friendship — where one child dominates the interactions and the other follows?
• Is there a pattern where the child consistently struggles to connect with peers or is rejected by them?
• Has the child's teacher shared concerns about the child's ability to get along with others or develop friendships?
• Does the child lack any desire to engage with other same-aged peers?
• Does the child get into a lot of fights or arguments with other children? That could indicate the child is being targeted and bullied by other kids. It's critical for parents to intervene to keep kids safe but also to think about whether there are aspects of their relatedness making them a target.

How can parents play an active role in their child's school?

Many paths are available to lend value and be involved in a child's education. Parents shouldn't compare what they can offer to other parents. Every parent has a different capacity. Working parents may find it challenging to take off in the middle of the day for a field trip or to host a classroom party. 

Parents who can do that are amazing, but here are other ways to get involved:

• Provide materials.
• Donate money.
• Lend expertise.
• Ask the teacher how to help.
• Stay on top of the child's homework and projects.
• Attend parent-teacher conferences.
• Go to school events — when possible.
• Offer to proctor exams.
• Show teacher appreciation.
• Bring the classroom pet home for a weekend.

For parents with more bandwidth, it's great to join the parent teacher association (PTA), volunteer in the classroom, help with field trips and organize the classroom. 

How can caregivers avoid helicopter parenting?

It's helpful to think about what is the motivation for parental involvement in school. 

• Is it to support the child in enjoying school or is it driven by a desire to seek a personal advantage for the child?
• Is it to aid a child lacking in skills or does the behavior prevent a child from developing personal autonomy and independence?

Getting a leg up on other kids is not the right motivation for getting involved. 

Additionally, constantly stepping in to prevent kids from experiencing failure or work through challenges can take away from their self-esteem and confidence in their own agency. Children must learn how to advocate for themselves or figure out a solution to a problem on their own. Taking away opportunities for the children to make decisions and think critically through challenges prevents them from feeling comfortable to do this once they are adults. 

How much social media access is okay?

It is pretty clear from the research that there's a direct relationship to the amount of time spent on social media and the risk for depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Families should delay social media access for as long as possible. Children with some level of maturity, say around 15 or 16, may be more prepared for social media access.

Children should be able to determine what is real and what is fake, both from peers and influencers, so they are not sucked into an unrealistic view of life. They should also be able to self-monitor and self-regulate how much time they spend online to avoid addiction.

Every child is different. In fact, a 16-year-old with some delays or social challenges may not be ready join social media.

Parents should also have in-depth conversations with their children about social media to keep them safe. 

Here are a few safety measures to put in place:

• Only befriend those who they know in person.
• Don't share pictures of a very personal nature.
• Don't post anything that would be embarrassing if seen by a parent or other authority figure.
• Avoid sharing personal information online, such as a phone number, home address or when leaving town.
• Teens also need to know that even direct messages can be screenshotted and shared with others. They need to only share personal information with proven, long-time, trusted friends. 

Internet control apps, including Screen Time and Google Family Link, allow parents to put limits on how much time a child is spending on social media. Thirty to 60 minutes a day is a general rule of thumb.

Teens should also think about how they feel when they are done scrolling. Do they feel more energized and connected by what they just did? If so, that's a positive use. On the other hand, if they coming away feeling anxious, lonely, left out or bad about themselves, they may need to reduce their time online or adjust their content.

A big issue to address for some kids in terms of their work production is distraction as a result of too much time scrolling on a tablet or phone. If it is interfering with them completing tasks in real life, they need to spend less time online. Parents can help kids navigate social media time with rewards for getting homework and chores done and taking time to foster real-life, in-person connections. 

How can parents know if their child is doing well?

A well-adjusted child is engaged and achieving age-appropriate milestones. 

Parents can ask themselves these questions to gauge their children's well-being:

• Are they meeting developmental milestones for that age?
• Do they have healthy, satisfying friendships?
• Are they engaging in age-appropriate activities and family activities?
• Do they get along with their teachers and classmates most of the time?
• Do they function well in a classroom setting?
• Are they performing to the best of their individual abilities? Note: That's going to look different for every kid. Every kid has a different profile of strengths and weaknesses, and that's important for a parent to recognize and accept.

A child who is not well-adjusted and struggling may also display some danger signs that parents should look out for:

• Are they eating?
• Are they growing?
• Are they gaining weight as expected?
• Are they sleeping?
• Are they resisting or avoiding school?
• Are there tears or belly aches in the carpool line every day?
• Are they often complaining about physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches) that might lead them to leave school early or stay home from school?
• Are they coming home looking depleted and exhausted?
• Do they look a lot better on weekends and vacations?
• Is homework a battle?

Parents shouldn't overlook potential medical problems, but sometimes when there's no explanation, kids are going to express anxiety and depression through their body. That can show up as a lot of aches and complaints and indicate that there is something very stressful about school.

---

Do you need help with next steps for your child's school success? 

Schedule an appointment with WakeMed Primary Care or WakeMed Pediatric Primary Care. We'd love to help you set your child up for a bright and happy school year.